To all those trying to find themselves. You are enough just as you are.

the fake plants created a nice, homey feel. Of course, they were fake because Lily couldn’t ever keep anything alive

She told her mom everything, and she knew she was incredibly lucky to have their support.

empty nesters

She didn’t feel the butterflies everyone talked about, but she knew she was supposed to feel that way.

the expectations for alone time made Lily nervous.

Ryder had never seen Lily when she didn’t look her best, and she didn’t feel comfortable enough to let him see that side of her yet.

He was kind and funny, and she liked hanging it with him. But once they began dating, it was like an incredible pressure was placed on her to be just right, and she didn’t know how to shake it.

“You like this shit?” She could hear the unease in his voice. The truth was she did. She liked weird. She liked things that were creepy; she liked things that were dark and twisted. But it didn’t really sit well with her peppy cheerleader image. “A lot of the other counselors at camp talked about it. I thought it was interesting, but I can see how you might not like it. It is pretty dark. We don't have to watch it.” She hated that she felt like she had to hide parts of herself from her boyfriend, and she hated that she felt like she needed to appease him. She was not ashamed of these things. She knew she was allowed to like what she liked, but she knew that there were certain expectations with everyone, and she wanted to make sure that she was living up to them. They had been together five months, but she still didn’t feel like he knew the real her.

“Ah! We love this show! This is a much better choice, babe.” “Sure,”

This was the first time he was in her new, private space, and she wasn’t so sure she wanted him there. But she knew she should want this. She was supposed to want this. So, she put on a smile and pulled him in for a kiss.

After what she assumed was a few minutes, her bra came off, and he continued to touch her skin, but the sensations never really registered.

She remembered falling asleep asking herself, “What the hell am I doing?”

seriously, hanky panky? Who says that? You are 21, not 61.

That’s why I tell you to practice mindfulness all the time.

She pulled on a black mini skirt and a shiny, green halter top. She knew she was showing more skin than she usually would, but it was also the first night back on campus, and dressing like this would be expected.

felt like Ryder fast forwarded over summer from a weird new couple place to more solid ground. Too bad Lily hadn’t made that transition along with him.

Lily sat there quietly listening for the most part. Everyone else was so loud and boisterous, so no one even noticed that she would just nod and only respond when someone talked to her directly. She had always felt somewhat awkward in large crowds. She didn’t always know what to say, and she knew her sense of humor was much darker than other people.

She didn’t know the rules about all of this, and that bothered her.

Lily felt awkward, as usual. She could dance when there were specific moves. She needed choreography to feel confident, but without direction, she just felt lost.

“What will it be? The bartender asked. I’m that moment, all the air left her lungs; she didn’t know what to say. There were no words. She just stared at this girl, unable to form a coherent thought. Lily had never seen someone so beautiful. The only thing flashing through her brain was this girl standing in front of her. All other though left her head. She had never seen this girl before. She would remember someone like this. This was the kind of girl who made an impression. She was tall and lean with long, dark, curly hair that went in every direction. She had the most intense brown eyes that boarded on black with the longest eyelashes. Lily just stood there in awe, soaking this girl in from the shape of her cherry lips to her gorgeous tan skin. Lily noted the way her purple top slid off one shoulder, and she fought the urge to put it back or touch the lone freckle that was there. Lily was mesmerized. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from this girl. Lily always laughed anytime someone said something took their breath away. Now, she totally understood.

And I’ve seen you around. You’re the kind of person someone notices.” Lily felt herself blush at being told the same words she was thinking. “I don’t know about that,” she said shyly.

m Charlotte, by the way, but everyone calls me Charlie,” she said while extending her hand. “Lily.” As she took Charlie’s hand, it was like a jolt of electricity shot through Lily. “Oh, I know.”

“You looked great out there. You should make this a regular thing.” Lily blushed, “only if you supply me with the alcohol.” “I can most definitely do that.” Charlie said with a mischievous smile. “Especially if it means I can watch you move like that.” Lily’s body buzzed with Charlie’s words. She didn’t know what was going on, but she felt drunk off this girl.

As he touched her, Charlie’s face flashed in her mind. Lily pushed the thought away and stopped kissing him long enough to grab a condom from her nightstand. He used that moment to finish undressing.

As they moved together, visions of Charlie’s smile filled her thoughts.

Right now, though, Lily was too scared to show anyone else those sides of her. She kept her weird tucked in, hidden from everyone else at school. She realized last night that trying to fit what people expected of her was getting harder and harder and school hadn’t even started yet.

“And it’s okay to cuddle with your boyfriend. You are supposed to like that stuff.” She wondered if other girls had to mentally prepare themselves to spend time with their boyfriend or if it was just her.

Lily wanted to call her friend and process the night, but she didn’t want to be needy.

It was okay to say no to someone. She just hated disappointing people or making them angry.

“Oh, so you were watching?” Lily could feel the playfulness in her voice trying to deflect. “Oh, I was most definitely watching,” Charlie told her without even a hint of embarrassment in her tone. “It was the hottest thing I saw all night. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from you.”

Charlie chose to be comfortable while Lily was wearing a pink sundress. Not because she liked it. She would much rather be in jeans and a t-shirt. No, she thought she needed to look like this. She always felt like she needed to make a good impression. Lily knew she worried too much about what other people thought. It was part of her anxiety, but she also knew she could only control so much about other people, so she was always “on,” always her best self to make sure she didn't turn people off. She could tell Charlie only cared about making herself happy.

“That makes total sense. I’m a nursing major, so I thought it would help to know some Spanish for future patients.” “That’s really cool. I’m sure a lot of people don't even think about things like that. I didn’t think about future clients, just getting an easy A.” Lily could feel the compliment, and it made her cheeks burn. She hated when people noticed her or the things she did. “And of course you’re a nursing major. That totally fits you.”

“That’s not what I meant, babe. What I mean is you are a nerd through and through. You love murder shows and any kind of book. And you are into weird shit other people have never heard of. And your thing for nostalgic movies that no one remembers is cute. That is what makes you you. I just want you to have other people you can be that way with, not just me.”

“What I mean is, everyone is different. I just get in my head about things, and if I don’t have a plan, then I tend to get a little…itchy.” “Itchy?” “Yeah…I guess other people would say I get edgy, Jenny would say it’s my anxiety, but honestly, it just feels like I am about to burst out of my skin. But if I plan for things, and study, and take great notes, that feeling isn’t as bad. If you’re prepared for everything, you can’t be surprised.”

But Lily also knew she could be anxious, and when she was anxious, she could be weird. Lily felt like she was too much a lot of the time, and this stopped her from meeting new people and feeling confident. She was aware of her personality, and it took a while for her to feel comfortable with people, but she didn’t feel that way with Charlie. It was a double-edged sword. She wanted more. She wanted all of Charlie she could get, but she was worried she would be too much. She didn’t know where the line was.

Lily: There is a party tonight at the football house. If you aren’t working, you should come. She grabbed her phone and immediately texted again. Lily: And if you don’t have plans. I don't want you to assume I think your only options are just sitting at home on a Saturday night or working. She threw her phone down and groaned. “Why are you such a dumbass?” she asked herself. “Just text her like a normal person.”

“So do you. You need to trust yourself and realize it doesn’t have to be perfect. And if you screw up, I’ve got your back.” It doesn’t have to be perfect. That line played on repeat in Lily’s head. She had never given herself permission to not be perfect. Instead, that was what she worked for every day. She had this intense anxiety that if things didn’t go exactly right, everything would come crashing down.

Lily always told herself she was too much of a follower. Tell her to be somewhere at 6 in the morning, and she will be there at 5:45 with coffee.

Babe. That word was like a punch to the gut. Lily knew Charlie said Ted was not her boyfriend, but she still couldn’t shake the feeling of jealousy coursing through her. And just because they weren't dating doesn't mean they weren’t still something. People hook up all the time and aren’t together. The thought made Lily want to vomit.

What if there was something else going on? Was it possible that she wasn’t straight? That thought made her heart race, but it didn’t seem wrong. She thought about it for a few moments and ran through the list of labels she knew. “Gay, lesbian, straight, bi, pan, queer…” There were so many options, but she had no idea which she would use to describe herself. Before this year, she would have said she was straight without question. Straight was the only answer, but now...Now it didn’t feel right at all.

“No,” Nora cut in. “She’s dressed up for herself. Not everything is about you.”

The kisses were drugging as hands continued to explore but never moved below the underwear, just lingering touches that were as thrilling and exciting as actual sex. Lily had only been with a few guys, but these moments with Charlie were more intimate than anything she had ever experienced.

“To be honest, I don’t know,” Lily could feel herself shutting down, but she didn’t know what to do to stop it. “But I don’t want you to think I regret any of it.” “That’s okay. I get it. I'm glad you were honest with me, and I want you to know you can always be honest. It is completely up to you what happens next. If you want this to be a one-time thing, that’s fine. Of course, I would like it to happen again, but I’m not going anywhere. You are awesome, and I want to spend time with you however you’re comfortable

She made it to the library at 8:02. Damn, she hated being late. When she found Charlie, she immediately started to apologize, “I’m so sorry I’m late. My alarm didn’t go off, and I overslept. I…” her words came out in a rush before Charlie stopped her. Charlie touched her arm, and the interaction had an instant calming effect on Lily.  “Lily, it is okay. You don't have to apologize. It’s two minutes.” Charlie said while handing Lily a cup of coffee. Lily took it gratefully.

“Do you realize how often you apologize when you don't actually do anything wrong?” “Jenny always says the same thing about apologizing too much.” Lily looked down, ashamed.

That’s part of the anxiety. I just want people to like me; everyone wants to fit it. So, I figured if I could be who they wanted me to be, that wouldn’t be a problem. And when I got here, I slipped into that role. It was like putting on a second skin that was slightly too tight, and I only ever get to take it off when I’m at home with Jenny…and now, when I’m around you.”

“Hey, sweetheart. I made you a hot beverage. Sit and tell me about your night.” Jenny said with a smile.  Lily laughed, “What the hell? How did you know when to make tea?” “I was tracking you on Find my Friends. I started heating the water as soon as I saw you left Charlie’s.”

“And if you’re uncomfortable at any time, just tell me. We will leave whenever you want.” Taken aback, Lily stuttered, “What? We can’t do that.” “Hell yeah, we can. If you need to go, we go. I don't want you to think you have to stay somewhere that makes you uncomfortable.”

“I like to show girls out there that you can have natural hair and be beautiful or that you can get your hair done and look great. Growing up, everyone told me to keep my head down and blend in, but I want girls like me to know it’s okay to stand out. And I want girls today to know that there is no one right way to be a strong, Black woman.”

I mean, I’m a cheerleader, I have dated men. You may have seen the signs, but I didn’t. People like me aren’t gay.”

Her therapist’s common phrase was “don’t be a doormat,” and Lily loved knowing that she could speak with someone who would call her out and push her to continue to grow.